toothy raccoon

The Sun:

TOOTHY RACCOON BIT OFF MANHOOD

A FEISTY raccoon has bitten off a pervert’s PENIS as he was trying to rape the animal.

Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.

Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off," said a pal.

“That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with."

and I taste poison

"One of her most powerful works is Rest Energy, from 1980. While she gripped a bow at arm's length with the arrow pointing towards her, Ulay held the arrow to the bowstring with his fingers, then they both leaned backwards till the bowstring was taut and the arrow was aiming straight at her heart. Microphones attached to their chests provided the soundtrack.
'This is a very difficult piece where you really risk your life,' said Abramovic. But it is also about love, trust and mutual dependence."

The Guardian

Dear Stupid,

I'm writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. Do you realize that you're a total loser? You've changed too much since we met, and I don't like it. I can't believe how selfish you are. Relationships are supposed to be about sharing, jerk. You couldn't even pass your exams without cheating; I should have known you'd cheat on me too, asshole. I called the nursery school program, and they agreed to let you in after they assessed your maturity level. You know, a little respect can go a long way. But the amount of respect you give me is only enough for ME to go a long way. A long way away from you, douchebag. Frankly, you just don't care enough about me. Luckily I care enough about me to make up for it, by saying goodbye to you. Here's some food for thought: you're an asshole! It's not easy to carry on a successful relationship with someone like you. And by that, I mean someone who is downright stupid, you feebleminded dimwit.

Why do you spend so little money on me? Buying me a happy meal at McDonald's does not count as taking me out to dinner. If you ever get engaged, just remember that an onion ring is not a valid replacement for a wedding ring.

Sorry, but you're not even worth keeping as a friend. Why are you so boring? I've seen rocks that are more interesting than you. I never want to see you again, jerkface! Stay away from me or I'll beat you with a frozen salmon. I think you get the idea: this relationship is over.

I hope maggots devour your testicles,
ManSize




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